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George Carlin’s Modern Man

Posted by Pete Berg on Tuesday, August 11th, 2009 at 6:12 am

George Carlin’s poem “Modern Man” is one of his very best routines, and his delivery is impeccable! R.I.P.!

Here is the full transcript:

“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I’ve got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail.

But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing– a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore–no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and out!”

~George Carlin, comedic genius and poet extraodinaire


Category: Art, Awesome, Celebrities, Comedy, Performance	3 Comments »

Ray Charles covers “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash

Posted by Pete Berg on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 10:15 pm

Soulful!


Category: Celebrities, Covers, Music Videos, Performance	No Comments »

Interview With a Surfer Dude

Posted by Jeff Picarello on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 9:03 pm


Category: News / Politics	No Comments »

Runaway Car in Reverse

Posted by Jeff Picarello on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 8:38 pm

…in Baltimore. …in 1986.


Category: News / Politics, Vintage	No Comments »

Speed Reading Tutorial

Posted by Pete Berg on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 6:04 pm

Video tutorial of Chris Matt showing you how to read faster. The trick is to repeatedly say “AEIOU” or “one, two, three, four,” as you read. This prevents you from vocalizing the written words with your larynx. Once you train yourself, you can stop uttering “AEIOU,” and you will be able to read much faster than before.

I don’t know if I completely buy this, but I attempted it…and while I was able to repeat the phrase while I read, my comprehension dropped precipitously. Maybe with practice I would be a more effective speed reader, though.

Happy Hiking Girl (Lady)

Posted by Jeff Picarello on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Love the helmet.


Category: Freaks	No Comments »

“We are holding Jesus ransom until you clean up the poopie from your weiners!”

Posted by Pete Berg on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 11:25 am

Poor Jean….that’s what you get when you don’t take care of your weiner poopie. Greatest news package ever!


Category: Animals, Local TV, Unintentional Comedy, WTF	No Comments »

While I was Away…

Posted by Pete Berg on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 10:51 am

“During the Summer of 2007, I had the opportunity to backpack around Europe for 2 weeks. I talked about it often before I left. My girlfriend however, although great in many respects, was not the world’s greatest listener. I left on Friday June 1st. Despite even calling her to say goodbye the night before, she never realized I left. When I arrived home 2 weeks later, I had several emails from her, waiting in my inbox…”

The story of one craaaaaazy girlfriend.


Category: Awesome, Freaks, Morons, WTF	No Comments »

Manhattan Bridge Sways in Traffic

Posted by Pete Berg on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 7:46 am

Time-lapse video showing the Manhattan Bridge swinging up and down as car and subway traffic cross it. Apparently, bridges would collapse during extreme weather if they weren’t built like this.


Category: Science, SloMo/Timelapse	No Comments »

Sweet Cover of “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas

Posted by Pete Berg on Monday, August 10th, 2009 at 5:30 am

“I Gotta Feeling” is the #1 song on the Billboard charts this week…and this cover is actually pretty cool. Enjoy:


Category: Covers, Music Videos	No Comments »

A Family Guy Moment In The Real World

Posted by Jeff Picarello on Sunday, August 9th, 2009 at 8:52 pm

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.


Category: Comedy, Covers, TV & Film	No Comments »

The Droids – The Force

Posted by Pete Berg on Sunday, August 9th, 2009 at 7:06 pm

The Droids were a French electronic band from the 70s that pre-dated Daft Punk…but also happen to feature two dudes in robot suits. (There’s definitely a strong similarity…) Anyway, this is a song released in 1977, inspired by the original Star Wars film…I thought it was pretty sweet.


Category: Art, Geek, Music Videos, Performance, Vintage	No Comments »

What Britney Spears Really Sounds Like On Stage

Posted by Pete Berg on Sunday, August 9th, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Britney Spears’ live microphone feed, isolated from her concert in Las Vegas.


Category: Celebrities, Fail, Performance	No Comments »

Astronaut messes with golfers

Posted by Harrison Flatau on Sunday, August 9th, 2009 at 8:47 am


Category: Pranks, Sports	No Comments »

Mexican Sledgehammer Fireworks

Posted by Pete Berg on Sunday, August 9th, 2009 at 7:38 am

A sure-fire candidate for the next Darwin Awards …


Category: Culture / World, Morons, WTF	No Comments »

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